I held two core beliefs growing up that I’ve only just realized (at the ripe age of 40) are actually false.
The first: Speaking about yourself in a positive way openly is bragging or arrogant.
The second: Your worth is based on external validation.
These two false beliefs affected me in some pretty significant ways over the years.
Not just a pretty face
Growing up, I was often called smart. I excelled in school, I was a keen strategist, negotiator, and communicator at a young age. Yet, I never internalized an identity of being intelligent.
I entered industries and jobs where I walked into rooms and would immediately be judged as a young, attractive woman but not assumed to be intelligent, qualified, or capable.
I developed this feeling of always needing to prove myself. To be seen and accepted as worthy of the job I was doing.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this affected how I saw myself.
I recently did a brand exercise called the Johari Window Exercise. I highlighted characteristics from a list I thought best described me and asked others to do the same.
I had a big wake up call when all others selected “intelligent” or “smart” to describe me, but I did not.
But also that
I was a cute young girl (albeit with some of the usual awkward years) and an attractive young woman. But I never described myself that way.
I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.
Not even to myself privately.
Even writing this now feels weird and wrong.
It would be arrogant to think that I am pretty. Because of that, I didn’t believe myself to be pretty. If I actually dared think it, I would scoff and scold myself.
I only believed it if I was told it by others. And of course, if I was told it by others I would instantly do the thing we do where I would deflect or reject the compliment to not be viewed as arrogant. Modesty is a virtue…right?
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this affected how I saw myself.
Not allowing myself to truly receive a compliment or consider myself attractive contributed to a distorted self-image and body dysmorphia I struggled with my whole life (and continue to).
I also ended up in unhealthy and abusive relationships. After decades of this, I finally realized that accepting, liking, and loving myself first and foremost is the most important thing.
I’ve spent my 40th year on this earth working on exactly that.
The messages we receive
My brother and I have been chatting about this phenomenon. He has had his own experience with this. He is a very attractive man. But, like me, wouldn’t dare say or acknowledge it.
Growing up, school tended to be more challenging for him. He received messages from others which reinforced that, and, as a result, he developed a self-identity of not being good at school or smart.
A year ago, he enrolled in a program (in the psychology field) to pursue a career he’s dreamt of for years. He was terrified because, in his mind, he “wasn’t a good student.” Well, his average has been consistently hovering between 95–100%.
He was surprised. I wasn’t. I always knew he was smart and capable. But he fell victim to the same effect I did of self-talk and societal messages.
Time for a change
I was having lunch with a friend a few months ago and she was telling me about a course she was in. She was the only woman and she was outperforming everyone else.
She finished her story by stating: “not just a pretty face.”
Without missing a beat, I retorted, “but also that!”
We both paused surprised momentarily then laughed heartily. I thought about that the whole way home. It stuck with me.
It’s natural as humans to judge people on their appearance, or our initial experiences with them. But our judgements tend to be internalized by others, putting them into a box, or more aptly a cage.
Think about the judgements you’ve internalized by others, that you repeat to and about yourself.
It’s time to change how we talk to and about ourselves so we can change how we see ourselves.
We can be both intelligent and attractive.
We can believe we are both.
We can say we are both.
I’m not just a pretty face. But I’m also that. I’m the only one who needs to know that and believe it.
You are too. Know it. Believe it. Be it.